The Blog that Started It All
First Published April 5, 2006~~~current mood: embarrassed
I love my kids! They are just amazing in so many ways. They can make me laugh, cry, smile, curse, scream like a bloody banshee and sometimes have achieved all of these simultaneously.
There are days that I realize how blessed I am that to have them and then there are days I have fleeting thoughts of putting them for sale on Ebay.
Its the latter that I am going to blog about. Humiliation only a loving child can provide. When you hold your child for the first time, all you can see is how beautiful they are and think of all the wonderful things to come. You seldom hold your newborn and think this child will become possessed and do everything in their power to bring you to your knees in public mortification. All four of my children have managed to lure me into the trap set meticulously by a mind only a three year old can possess.
My oldest daughter, who is now eleven going on thirty, was honored to be the first to watch Mom blunder helplessly in this trap. We had gone to WalMart with a friend of mine for no other reason than to get out of the house. There was four of us, April, myself, Natalee (my three year old daughter) and Nicholas (my two year old son).
April had the cart with my son in it and decided to wander off in search of who knows what. That left me in the clutches of my diabolical daughter. She grinned up at me and I should have known something was getting ready to happen. My attention was caught by something in one of the clearance bins that they set throughout the store. Ok let me rephrase that, my attention was completely absorbed by some piece of bric-a-brac. My daughter was happily chattering about something that I was only half paying attention to. Parents out there know what I am saying when I explain that you can hold a complete conversation with a toddler by just repeating what they say with enthusiasm and still not have a clue what they said. It enforces that Mommy is listening when she actually isnt. This is the moment that my daughter chose to say something that will echo in my memory for the rest of my life.
Natalee: Mommy look at those big balls! That guy has really big balls! (She of course is referring to the large cage of beach balls, that some hapless WalMart employee is stocking)
Me: Yes, honey, that man certainly does have big balls!
Yes the trap has been laid and Mommy wandered right in like a sheep led to slaughter. At first I dont catch my slip, until I see a couple of little old women giggling next to me. I replayed the conversation in my head and blushed with humiliation. I looked at Natalee and she looked back at me with the look of innocence that says “What?? Im three! You are the dumbass that walked right into it!”
By this time I am unnerved and my brain has shut down. The little old ladies are tittering away over this inane conversation. Natalee has decided Mom needs more.
Natalee: Can I play with the mans big balls? Please Mommy Please!
(Did I say that my brain shut down for protective purposes)
Me: No Natalee, you cannot play with the mans big balls. (Shit she did it again)
The only option I could see was trying to find April and Nicholas and escaping from WalMart and these tittering old biddies. Natalee was not even close to being through with me.
Here comes the coup de grace. In my mind I hear the announcer from Mortal Kombat “Finish her”
She decides not everyone is party to my humiliation and it will not be complete until Mommy is sobbing in the aisles. Her pretty little face gets all red and she lets out a war whoop. On this war whoop are the words “MOMMY! I WANNA PLAY WITH THE MANS BIG BALLS!
The store seems to get deathly silent and I am doing the walk of shame up the aisles looking helplessly for my friend. Natalee at this point is in full fledged temper tantrum mode screaming about the mans big balls and I have now turned from deathly white to an alarming shade of purple. I find April and tell her we need to get out of there. Nick is looking on in admiration. He knows that his sister has been successful.
As we were leaving WalMart, I can still swear I heard this come over the loud speaker. “For all of your humiliation needs, thank you for shopping at WalMart.”
Stay tuned for more Humiliation only a loving child can provide.