First Published September 22, 2011 ~~~current mood: annoyed~~
*chanting under my breath* I love my children! I love my children! I love my children!……
This is the mantra I am using today to chase away the thoughts of murder and mayhem in my mind. As I wander through the house, picking up underwear and discarded socks out of the living room & wet towels in the hallway, vacuuming area rugs scattered with cookie crumbs and scraping God knows what off the dining room table. Closing the doors to children’s bedrooms that closely resemble the aftermath of post-apocalyptic war zones.
I try to reconcile in my mind, the sweet cherubic children I remember to the sullen eyed, smart mouthed Tasmanian Devil THINGS that now reside in my household. Somewhere I believe my children have been taken over bodily by something from the abyss.
As I open the dryer door, I try not to scream. My attempts are futile. I start yelling at no one in particular (because I am in alone in this house of madness)…why in the hell???? I now have a full deck of cards washed and dried with my children’s clothes. My son, the maniacal genius has struck again.
I now start screaming at my fifteen year old son, Snarky, who is safely ensconced in one of his classes at school and unaware that Mommy is having a mental meltdown. My son is unbelievably intelligent but has the common sense God gave a piss ant. He also has developed a habit of picking EVERYTHING up and putting it in his pockets. You will find a plethora of things he has obtained as soon as laundry day arrives. This treasure trove has included but is not limited to: full decks of cards, candy wrappers, pencils, pens, magnets from the refrigerator door, rubber bands, crayons, video game cartridges, hammers and full populations from third world countries.
Mothers beware, once you have children, that witty repertoire and vocabulary you used to possess will dwindle down to growls and will be limited to:
WTH!!! ARE YOU FREAKIN KIDDING ME???!!
WHERE IS MY XANAX?
WHY THE HELL IS THERE GUM STUCK TO MY CEILING?
And my personal favorite: Please quit licking your sister’s face!
It is not your fault, it is the way your mind has tried to adjust to the illogical and impractical minds of your children.
As I glare at the overflowing trashcan, that the maniacal genius did not take out last night, I start planning my escape to an uninhabited island. Now I know why animals eat their young *growl*