When all of our children were living at home, my house was in a constant state of flux between messy/clean and anywhere from “WTF?!” to “Please call FEMA…this is a considered a National Disaster…”
Most of the time, I would wander through the house yelling at the cats about “those little assholes…” or chanting under my breath “I do not look good in prison orange, so keep my murderous rage under control.” I tried being creative about my approaches with these children, but to no avail. Below was my first attempt at capturing their attention after I walked into their rooms and realized most of the stuff on the floor looked like hazardous waste or biohazardous clothing that seemed ready to stand up and walk to the laundry room all by themselves. I posted these notices on their bedroom doors.
ATTENTION GUESTS STAYING AT THE MOMMY HILTON:
It has come to management’s (Mommy) attention that there have been complaints filed regarding the condition of the room you are occupying. If the condition of the room does NOT improve, we will be forced to have staff (Mommy) come in and clean the room. If the staff is forced to do this, they will remove all electronics such as, but not limited to: televisions, gaming systems, music players, phones and DVD players. There were also be a damage deposit (grounding) applied to your current account. If that does not help resolve these issues, management will be forced to move your occupancy to the tent out in the back yard.
We are hoping to have these issues resolved by end of business day. Thank you and enjoy the rest of your stay at the Mommy Hilton.
Needless to say, the children looked at the notices with boredom and disdain and then threw them on the floor with the rest of the disaster. I woke up the next morning to this taped on my door from Snarky McSmartass.
ATTENTION MANAGEMENT OF MOMMY HILTON:
There have been many complaints from your guests about the master suite (your room). It has not been cleaned in many days and the staff has not been very helpful. They seem to be staying in the Master Suite all day. They have not been fulfilling their duties as a staff. The guest is always correct at a Hilton Hotel and we have been getting some rude remarks from your staff. Please do what you can to fix this.
What my son Snarky didn’t seem to realize is that Mommy had many more years experience at the smart-ass game:
Dear Mommy Hilton Guest:
Our management has looked into the complaints you submitted to us. Since the master suite is off limits to all guests, then the condition of it only pertains to staff. As for your complaint of staff staying in the master suite all day, we have investigated and come to the conclusion that:
1.) If staff had not left the master suite, then the guests would have no clean laundry nor would there be meals prepared for the guests to eat.
2.) If staff had not left the master suite, the main lobby (living room) would not have been vacuumed and swept. And various guests’ belongings would still be strewn around the lobby.
3.) If staff had not left the master suite, the kitchen would be disorganized and the dishes would never be cleaned.
As for the rudeness of the staff, that has also been investigated and deemed inconsequential. The staff has simply asked the guests in the Hilton to comply with the regulations of staying here. The staff has enough on their hands without unruly guests to contend with. Please understand that the Hilton expects all guests to be responsible for their own belongings and also follow through with the maintenance of their long term rooms. If the guests cannot comply with those regulations, the staff has threatened to go on strike. The meals will have to be prepared by guests and the guests will have to do their own laundry. Thank you for submitting your requests and enjoy the rest of your stay with the Mommy Hilton.
Management
This was one of many failed attempts to get my children to be functional human beings…Stay tuned for more diabolical antics and watching Mommy flounder in the midst of the chaos!